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3AM THOUGHTS | Male Sexual Entitlement

2015/11/3 — 3:00

Neto Baldo / flickr

Neto Baldo / flickr

(編按:很多人都以為,女人向男人提供性愛是必然的。博客 Claire 指即使表面上的好人也可能有這種思想,他們對女仕所做的「好事」,其實最終只為上床。)

So, before I get started, let me get one thing out the way: I’m a feminist.

Oh shit! Not the ‘F’ word!

Pipe the fuck down. Yes, I’m a feminist. I’m not awfully outspoken about it because I’m not as eloquent as some of my colleagues. I’m also not very good at expressing my feelings, so most of the time I just end up confusing myself as I lose my train of thought. However, a couple of things have happened to and around me in the recent months that have just got my bloodboiling, and I feel like I just have to say a few things before my chest explodes with fury.

When it comes to feminist issues, there are many things I feel very strongly about including, obviously, pay equality. But today, the thing I want to talk about here is male sexual entitlement. I realise that my parents and a few family friends may be reading this, so if you find it uncomfortable to read about me talking about sex, then you should probably click away now. There’ll be cake recipes back on here in a few days that will be more PG rated (or weeks, depending how write-y I’m feeling.)

Last few pointers before I start my rant properly:

  • I realise that what I’m about to say may be grossly generalising men; I am by no means calling all men sexually entitled. Just a large percentage of men. There are always exceptions that prove the rule, aren’t there?
  • I also know that sexual entitlement is not exclusive to the male gender. However, statistics (and mainly from personal experience) suggests that it is more common in men. Therefore for the purposes of today’s rant, I’ll be focusing on male sexual entitlement.

So what is it I’m talking about exactly?

Male sexual entitlement is the common belief that women somehow owe men sex, essentially just because they are men. And society normalizes this belief. It’s something that is embedded in a lot of phrases about sex – how ‘nice guys’ get ‘friendzoned’, how some women ‘give it up’ on the first date, and how women ‘let’ men sleep with them, etc.

So why, you may be wondering, do some people feel this way? Well, most likely because we think it’s normal. It’s so normal to judge a woman purely by her appearance, and it’s normal for promiscuous men to be praised while promiscuous women would be called a slag or a slut. All these ‘normal’ behaviours may seem harmless on an individual basis, but they’re just symptoms of the larger cultural attitude that female sexuality exists for male pleasure.

There are certainly good men out there who do not treat women like they are there solely as a hole for their penises to fall into. Nevertheless, you simply cannot ignore the pervasiveness of male sexual entitlement. Even if you are one of those men who do not feel entitled to women’s bodies, it’s very easy to lapse into using language that suggests otherwise.

But here’s a shocker – no one is ever owed sex. Not when you’re a nice guy, not when you’re hot, and certainly not because you have a Y chromosome. Rape culture (i.e. – the attitude that sex without consent is acceptable in certain circumstances) needs to be stopped; it’s fucking repulsive.

There are many scenarios whereby sexual entitlement show up. Speaking from personal experience, the first one that pops to mind is how complete strangers can act towards me (NOTE – this is not me claiming that I’m some super hot chick; this shit happens to all my girl friends and I am certain it happens regardless of how attractive a woman is). For example, creepy guys who think its okay to grab my ass clubs, random dudes who say shit like ‘i would break every chair in the world just so she could sit on my face’ when a girl walked past him, and men who believe that we should be flattered when we get degrading comments such as ‘nice ass’ or just plain ‘WOOOOWWWWWWW’.

Secondly, of course, there is sexual harassment at the workplace. Now this is not from personal experience but a friend of mine have been sexually harassed at work before and it isnot okay. Those men are usually those who defend their actions by using excuses such as ‘you asked for it ‘cus your skirt was so short’. No. Just… No. And the last one one I can think of is in intimate relationships. Marital rape happens all too regularly, especially because some believe that it is a wife or a girlfriend’s duty to have sex with their husband or boyfriend, whether or not they want to.

Someone told me before to always give examples in sets of three. Since I’ve given three and am struggling to think of more at this current moment in time, I’ll leave it up to you to come up with any more examples, because Lord knows these are not the only scenarios where male sexual entitlement crops up.

Moving on.

Men sometimes feel that it’s okay to leer at women in public, touch them inappropriately when the lights are dim, or in extreme cases, whack their dick out in the MTR (the Underground) and rub it up against some poor girl’s leg. (OK I can’t find the news link to that case, but if you’re from HK, you may have heard of that case from a few years ago. I’m sure that case is not the only one of the sort.) Sexual harassment, being catcalled on the streets, and girls slut-shaming each other are all side effects of male sexual entitlement.

PAUSE! Mini break for me to have a rant within a rant:

To be honest, the last one about slut shaming is the one that bugs me the most. WHY is it more socially acceptable for men to sleep around? Someone told me once that ‘a key that opens all the doors is called a master key, but a lock that lets any key open it is called a useless lock.’ THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO MEN AND WOMEN AND THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THEY SLEEP WITH. Women can do whatever the fuck they want, and society’s acceptance of men sleeping around should extend to women as well. YOU GO GIRL. Get yours!

Okay, I am not condoning the lifestyle of sleeping around with tonnes of people. It’s completely ok if you want to do so, as long as you’re sleeping with consenting adults. And another thing, just put a fucking condom on. The incidence of chlamydia in the UK is rocketing to something crazy like 440,000 diagnoses in 2014. There is just no need. No glove, no love, people! The pill might save you from getting pregnant but it doesn’t stop you from getting syphilis!

Un-pause.

On the less extreme side of things, there are men who believe that being nice to a women means that they are therefore owed sex. When women refuse (as it is fully within their right to do so), they will go on to complain how ‘nice guys finish last’ and how women only want assholes who treat them badly. Both of these are false! And, these men are probably even more deluded as they believe that by not being outwardly obnoxious, they should be rewarded with sex. They think that this makes them a good person because they were ‘nice’ to women, but in truth, you’re not a ‘nice guy’! You were just pretending to be a decent person to get what you want! This classic ‘I’m a nice guy, now fuck me’ attitude may not be as in your face as straight-up harassers, but really, they’re still just reinforcing the idea that women owes you sex.

What I’m trying to say is: sex is not a reward for good behaviour. This is not some weird operant-conditioning-positive-reinforcement experiment shit. Have sex because you want to have sex, not because you want a thumbs-up and a well done for being a nice guy. Fuck that shit.

On the flip side of things, you may not think that this type of behaviour affects men, but I do. First and foremost, I’m talking about men who have sex with men. These men can also be sexually entitled and therefore negatively affecting the men they’re sleeping with. But not only that, those entitled sons of bitches are negatively impacting themselves as they are living under a delusion and acting in accordance to those delusions. This means that when they get rejected, their egos get a bit bruised. In their minds, they have been denied something that they believe is their right, and therefore cannot handle it. Maybe not all men start getting verbally abusive when they are denied sex, but personally, the number of times I’ve been called frigid, or ‘the most awkward person ever’, or been accused of leading someone on because I have been texting them is UNREAL.

This sort of brings me back to the rape culture I briefly alluded to earlier. Again – I am not saying that all men react like this. Some men, as I just said before, may just throw misogynistic abuse at you. Others may turn a little more violent and physically force you to give him what he believes he deserves. Which is a million times worse. And I don’t want to divulge into more about it, because frankly, I don’t think I need to expand on how fucked up that is.

Now, having ranted so much, I don’t believe that the majority of men want to promote such attitudes towards sex. Although they are wholly accountable for their actions and the way they treat women, I do believe that this cultural belief is a product of how we, as a society, are bombarded by things that suggest women’s bodies are consumable products. It could also be because women may enable such behaviour by passively accepting it; I know I am certainly guilty of this behaviour. It wasn’t until recently that I felt secure and strong enough, and actually stood up for myself loudly and clearly. And yes, that is when I got asked ‘why the fuck did you have to make the situation so fucking awkward’. Uh, fam, that’s because you said you were coming to ‘collect what I owe you’. Fuck you.

So to round things off, here are my final few points that I can’t be bothered to arrange into almost-eloquent paragraphs:

  • Just because I flirt with you, does not mean you’re entitled to sleep with me. Just because I’m wearing a short dress, does not mean you can grab my ass. Just because I have a vagina, DOES NOT MEAN I OWE YOU SEX.
  • No means no. Simple as that. I can rant a whole lot more about consent and the fact that there are no such things as blurred lines, but someone already made a fantastic video about it. They compare consent with making someone a cup of tea, and it explains everything perfectly. If you haven’t seen it, here, enjoy.
  • In short, just remember that if at any point you believe that the other person owes you sex, you are being a sexually entitled [insert profanity of choice here], and you need to stop.
  • Communicate! Especially if you’re in a relationship or talking to someone who you are interested in. Figure out the boundaries together.
  • And finally… No one ever owes anyone sex. Ever. There is genuinely no scenario in life that means that someone is owed sex. Literally none. Zilch. Nada. Zero.

Aaaand that’s it for my 3AM, unable-to-sleep-because-some-crazy-couple-is-arguing-outside rant.

Peace.

原刊於 Water & Bay

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